First, let me say thank you for all the kindness so many showed in your comments on the last post. I wanted to answer each one but when I would try….it was too hard. Please know I appreciate every word and thought and prayer.
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So Joy and I are here at Mary’s house, while she travels. She is in Sedona, AZ right now, finally able to feel the special energy there, which she has longed to do for years.
My sweet Shiloh boy passed away from cancer (was euthanized) on May 18. The cloud of grief hanging over Joy and I is huge. I have never mourned for anyone to this degree, and my heart has never been this broken.
I stated in my last post (SHILOH), that the future is a blur. Really I couldn’t see a future. I stated awhile back that we were staying here at Mary’s house this summer because I needed a break from traveling and towing, and because we would be house sitting for Mary, who wants to do some traveling of her own, now that she’s retired.
Both of those reasons are true, but I had another reason too, that I wasn’t as willing to share, and that was Joy’s age and condition. She is approaching 15 years of age, old for a Golden, and she has the accompanying problems, of being about 100 in human years. She let me know that constant travel is getting too hard for her. She wants stability. I’ve been wondering if she will make it through the summer.
Joy
Shiloh seemed to be doing well though, and even though he was closing in on 12 years and his back was arthritic, he was still going strong…running…playing…happy.
Until he wasn’t.
Until cancer took him from us, in a sudden way. That meant less suffering for him, which is my ultimate goal for my furry ones…comfort and quality of life.
And that’s when the future became a blur. At first I couldn’t sort anything out at all. Dark depression fell over me like a stormy sky. The physical world matched my feelings. No sun here for over a week. Joy, for the first time in her life, has not been joyful. ‘Kerry and Annabelle’ came to stay with us for a few days, but after they left, I thought I might lose Joy. For over 11 years, she has never been without her Shiloh.
Joy using Shiloh as a pillow.
Shilohs death was a life-changing event for us. I am grateful…SO GRATEFUL….for the time he spent with me. I am missing him every minute. The grief is still acute. Everything reminds me of him, and thus his absence.
Everything.
This experience is leaving me a changed person. Maybe it’s called growth…in that case I’d rather not grow.
One of the things that has changed about me is that I have no desire to full time travel now, without my furry kids/companions/friends, and Shiloh was my protector, always looking after me, ready to support me in every way he could, always keeping me in his line of vision ( well except when he was rolling in fresh cow pies, or chasing a squirrel). He laughed at me when I was silly ( like every time I tried to put up the ‘damn clam’, he looked on with such glee and made me laugh at myself).
These things were part of his role, a role he created for himself from the wonderful being he was.
Joy also created her role, according to her personality. Her love for everyone and everything gives her a bouncy, carefree spirit. She sees the world through rose colored glasses, and it’s hard to be sad around her, at least it was until May 18.
The point is, full timing without these two isn’t something that appeals to me at all. Not even a little bit. If I have to go without them, I don’t want to go.
So I’m going to stay. As of May 31 I put into motion the process of preparing to make a permanent residence here in the area again….back in the same community I lived in before I went on this journey in August of 2014, when Shiloh was about to turn 8, and Joy was a very spry almost 11 years old.
This decision has given me a degree of peace…and something to focus on.
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The other thing is, that I picked up Shilohs ashes at the vets office yesterday. They are in a beautiful wooden box with his name on it. Can’t bring myself to show you a picture . It’s very nice but the thought of his remains in there is next to unbearable and sent me into a major meltdown last night and almost no sleep.
Yes I know his spirit is free and he is with me because he told me that…
I know, but I still call his name, and I don’t see how I’ll ever heal from this.
“Shiloh, when I was young (er)
I used to call your name.
When no one else would come,
Shiloh you always came.
And we’d play….
And you’d stay.”
COME TODAY
Wandering Spirit 
❤
Im so so sorry youre going through this. Grieving for our pets is completely different than grieving for people. I think its harder. The bond is so different. Ive had many dogs but there are some that really crawl into your heart and stay there.
I have a 32 year old quarter horse who is my heart and the thought of losing him kills me. Life without him will be completely different.
Sending you and Joy peace and love on your new journey. xo
No words. A virtual hug for you and Joy…
I think caring and loving pets is somewhat like full time caregiving for a person. They’re not independent and when they’re gone there’s a hole that demands a “what now”. But when a major loss happens the best advice is to give it time and don’t make any life changing decisions to quickly. From the posts over the past year I can see that you were beginning to tire of the constant travel so making a permanent home base sounds like a good idea. Take the time you need so you’re ready when you get the urge to wander again.
My heart is breaking for you as I read this…I have tears in my eyes as I can feel your pain in my heart…I lost my “Ivie” who was my heart and constant companion…it took me over a year to get to a place where I could even talk about her to anyone…I did finally get my “LaciLou” not thinking that she could even take ‘Ivie’s” place…BUT I have the same love for her as she is also a super special fur baby and holds my heart….I can’t even think about going thru her loss and what it would do to me again.
I send hugs and prayers to you and Joy.
I’m so sorry there are of course no words that can break through the darkness sometimes. Just know that you are loved. That you gave all your family the best life possible and that some day morning will break again. Thinking of you and holding both of you in my heart.
I am humbled and grateful that you shared your grief and sorrow with us. Thank you for showing us what is in your heart and know that we hold you and Joy in our hearts, too.
So sad to read this and I share your grief having been thru it. I urge you to not make any permanent decisions until you are further removed from this incredibly sad time. Life changes and we are not privy to the future. Please take care of youself and Joy during this period. My heartfelt thoughts are with you.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time, Micky. I can see that missing Shiloh is also wrapped up in worry that you might lose Joy, too. And the hard truth is that you will, but we all hope that you two get through Shiloh’s loss together. I truly believe that there are always good things to come, large and small, adventures to be had, friends to visit, fun surprises around the corner, different paths to follow, even when that is impossible to imagine. That belief is sometimes the only light in the darkness, but I hope it will shine for you.
I don’t comment often but do read your blogs. I am so sorry and there are no words. In time all those beautiful memories you have will bring you comfort. Hugs to you and Joy
I’m so sorry for your loss of Shiloh. The three of you had many adventures on and off the road.
Tom and I had the pleasure of meeting the three of you twice, once in Bishop and once in Montana and compared notes on our Golden’s (Flirt). Sending you strength and kindness and hoping you find peace within your sorrow and look forward to new adventures whether on the road or not.
I’m so sorry you lost Shiloh. Sending hugs to you and Joy.
So sorry Mickey. I’m glad you have a place to stay. One day at a time is all you can do. I hope you aren’t alone all the time. I’m here and would love to meet you anywhere with our old doggies:) Take care and know you both in my thoughts and prayers
Oh my heart just breaks for you. Our dogs become our family. Thank you for sharing your life with us – both the wonderful adventures and then the deep sorrow that comes with the loss of a part of your family. And I think too, just take one day at a time. Give yourself and Joy time and space to grieve. And know that your readers (including those of us who have never met you) are thinking of you and praying for you.
I don’t usually comment on the blogs I read, but this is so heartbreaking. I know exactly what you are going through. We lost our loveable Am. Bulldog(Baxter Riley) a year ago May 24th 2017. He was everything to us. Perfect health at 10 yrs old. And one morning he just didn’t wake up. Shock was the first thing. His vet said–“wouldn’t we all like to go this way” and in retro—I suppose he was right. He sits on our mantle now and my husband made a giant memory shadow box for the memories. It’s been a year and it hasn’t gotten that much better. We still can’t bring ourselves to even think about another dog. Although they are so good for the soul. You are not alone and I’m sure you realize this.