Just over a week ago, I thought Shiloh had a month or two or three….and then it all went so fast. But then I realized the pain he began having…”its time mommy….I don’t want to leave you… but it’s time to go now. Things don’t work right anymore”
Those eyes.
My friend Laura came over. Shiloh actually greeted her at the door. Licked her hand. It was his job and above all he was faithful. He wouldn’t let us down.
The vet was planning on coming to the house but they got swamped that morning with 6 emergencies. He couldn’t get away. I couldn’t let Shiloh suffer, waiting.
So one last time my sweet boy went up the ramp into JR, and Joy was with us too.
The back seat of the truck…..that was home to him. The vet came to the parking lot and gave him the sedative. Within minutes he was sleeping in my arms, pain free. I was lying down with him, with my arms around him, when the euthanasia drug was given.
I felt him take his last breath.
Then stillness. No more suffering for my sweet Shiloh..
it felt like my heart stopped too. I will never be the same.
He taught me how to live. He taught me how to die. If I could only attain to his example, I would be a much better person.
dogs do smile
Even his name had so much meaning for me….
Sur (not Sir)…..for Big Sur, my most favorite place in the world.
Shiloh….for ‘Shalom’ , meaning Peace.
Sunshine….because he was my sunshine.
I often sang that little song to him.
The sun stopped shining here that day, quite literally, as well as in my heart. A week later and I still haven’t seen it for more than a few minutes where I am. The way I’m feeling, I don’t know if it will ever shine in my heart again.
For the first time ever, Joy has lost her joy. She is as depressed as I am. When you think about it, they were within site of each other 95% or more of the time.
‘Kerry and Annabelle’ arrived from Oregon that evening, and were able to stay for a few days.
I will be forever grateful to Laura, Kerry, and her dog Annabelle for helping Joy and i in such a difficult time. Thank you to the 3 of you, beyond words.
We’ve been going to the misty, lonely beach daily. We have both needed to be there, where in the past we have shared such fun times together.
Joy looks for him there.
The last time we were there without him was over 11 years ago.
Joy looks for him there.
So do I.
It seems so impossible that he isn’t there with us, or with us on our walks (I bring his collar). It seems impossible I’m making meals for just one dog, or leaving Joy all alone in the truck as I do errands. I haven’t left her alone at the house yet.
We look for him here at the house too….and sometimes…I get a glimpse of him, in an ethereal kind of way. Little gifts from him in the spirit world…letting me know he’s close by….because I haven’t been able to let go.
He even had a ‘conversation’ with me. He said he is part of me now. He said he is peace for me. He said Joy knows he is here, yet we all still miss each other. He said more…
You can think I’m crazy. I am….crazy with grief. Sometimes when we can’t get what we want ( to hug him again, stroke his soft fur….tell him ‘mommy loves Shiloh’), we get what we need.
I don’t know what happens next, or what the future holds. It all seems like a blur out there. Joy is more fragile physically, as well as emotionally, since….it happened.
I always have said ‘it’s all about the dogs’, and it is likely I would have never set out in WS if it hadn’t been for them. So I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I need to mention that in the last blog, the comments section wasn’t working and I don’t know why. If it continues not working I’ll come up with an email address where we can connect if you wish.
Shiloh and Sun
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.
Wandering Spirit 
I know many of us tried to leave a comment to let you know we cared and that you weren’t alone. Just know that many are thinking of you. Take the time to grieve but know that the sun WILL shine again.
My heart aches for you and Joy.
There is no way to be ready to lose them. Our Allie stayed for a while after we had to let her go. Sometimes I would feel her curled up at my back like she always did, sometimes just the feel of her close by. RIP Shiloh.
I am crying with you feeling your pain.. Peace tou you and Joy in this sad time.
Crying as well for the loss of a beautiful friend. I know how hard it is to make that decision to let them go in peace. So glad you had friends close. It is a big loss you will never get over, but it will get easier. You showed you love to him by letting him go.
My love and Hugs’
Sharron
I ‘liked’ this but I actually hate it. Crying, too. Sorry for the loss you have to endure. So sad.
I am so sorry, my dear. I lost my Daisie last July. I still look for her in my back seat thru the rearview mirror. You don’t have to let go. Shiloh is always with you. You don’t have to stop grieving. It just changes color.
Sending extra hugs your way, no words can ease your pain. Just know you are being thought of.
So sorry for your loss. Crying too for you .. prayers for you and Joy..so many great memories.
Typing through tears here . . . for you and for me. It’s always there – the pain of losing our beloved darlings. My beloved St. Bernard . . . RIP 7/26/80 . . . but he is always in my heart. We were lucky because the vet was able to come to the house, for which I will always be grateful. Brutus was unable to move anything but those big, beautiful pleading eyes. My heart aches for you today.
Virtual hugs,
Judie
In lieu of no “comment” section last time, I had sent a return message; but I think it may have been to a “do not reply” address. My heart breaks for you and Joy. I know the loss is absolutely unbearable for those of us who dearly love our pets. Indeed, they are our strength and our “sunshine,” and only our pets can give us the absolute unconditional love that no other human being is capable of; not our parents, our spouse, our children, other family members, friends, etc.
My 13-yr-old cat Calvin was euthanized two months ago, and my heart still aches. He was my buddy, and such a good-natured little guy. I will never stop missing him. At 73, I doubt that I will adopt anymore pets. The deep grieving when they are gone is just too much to bear; and I definitely would not want a pet, who might out live me, to have to go through the deep grief of losing me and, worst yet, possibly end up in a cage in a shelter.
I am sending endless hugs to you and Joy regarding the loss of your beautiful and precious Shiloh.
Let your love for him, and from him, wrap around you – and comfort you. Shiloh. Peace.
Laura
I too went through the same experience with my golden Spencer. When I look back he was telling me MONTHS before he collapsed that something wasn’t right inside him. And then putting him thru that surgery on his mouth to remove the tumor, I should have known it was more serious. As I laid next to him on the blanket we talked and I hugged and kissed him. That was two years ago already and even tho I have two other wonderful 4 legged kids Spencer was special and always will be.
What your heart has once cherished, you will never lose .
With tears in my eyes also, I write to you and like those who wrote before me, I’m sending gentle hugs to you and Joy, and pray your happy memories guide you through this rough time, I know the feeling all to well, putting my Little Deanner down, oh how I cried ! She was a little dapple weiner dog with 1 eye who I had the pleasure of taking in when her owner passed. My first doggy ever! May Shiloh run with the wind and rump in the waves created by the clouds! RIP Shiloh !
With tears in my eyes and a sob in my throat I share your pain, I am so very sorry for your loss. I just went thru the same thing a year ago and my heart is still broken with the loss of my Dear Little Willy. My little Teddy misses his brother and often looks for him too! Wish there were words to take away the pain but only time can do this. Shiloh will always be loved and missed!
As someone who is a rescuer/foster to senior dogs, I have been through this pain more times than i care to remember. My heart breaks for you and i am so sorry for your loss. Each dog I’ve spent time with that comes into my small pack teaches me something… patience, tolerance, acceptance, joy. I take them as they are, care for them the best i can, and love them for as long as they’re here. The wonderful thing about dogs is that’s all they ask for.
Just know you gave him an amazing life as he did for you as well. Thinking of all 3 of you.
Our hearts are aching for you, Micky! Shiloh was so very special! Don’t doubt he has left messages for you in many places and that you can see him. He is with you and always with be with you! We love you, Micky!!
So sorry, I have an elderly dog and can’t imagine being without her. I know what you’re going thru. God Bless!
Oh the pain of loving so deeply. Like others, with tears rolling down my cheeks, my heart aches with sorrow. If I could just give you a hug. Seems like so little, but a bit of something for you and your Joy. And for Shiloh…may you rest in the peace of sweet sunshine.
When the raw grief subsides,I pray that you rescue a dog,in Shiloh’s honor, as you have such a gift of love. I don’t mean to take Shiloh’s place, because that spot will never be filled! Sincere condolences, Marie Arnold
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My heart aches for you Mickey…it was lovely that he went in your arms, knowing how much you
loved him. Your tribute to him was beautiful and moving. I hope that you and Joy find your way through this difficult time. I hope that you both slowly find your way without his physical presence.
Hugs to you both,
Sharon
Thank you Mickey for the beautiful pics of Shiloh and your honest, heartbreaking stories. I want you to know you will both be okay, and what helped me is being surrounded w/ family and friends. The times that were hardest for me was when I was alone w/ my surviving dog Lexi. My faith has helped me too. I hope you can spend time with others because being alone constantly with this loss is just too painful. Blessings to you and your babies😘🙏🏼
Tears here as well, Micky, but I want to tell you that it WILL get better. It’s okay if you wonder how that can be, but it can and I believe it will for you. I’m a cat person, but there isn’t much difference, other than most of mine don’t like cars or leashes. Every one that has passed left a hole in my heart, but the holes are eventually filled with more love. Help Joy and let her help you, because she will. Let your friends help, too, because you have helped us in so many ways. Hugs and pats for you both.
Oh Micky, you express your feelings SO beautifully! Right now I don’t have words to express my feelings of sadness! I haven’t had WiFi for almost a week, and I’m sitting in a Micky D’s in Santa Rosa, NM crying my eyes out as i know you have done for the past week. I will get back to you next time i find a connection. Take care, my friend!
So very very sorry. Please know that you, Shiloh and Joy inspired our family to seek out a Golden and are forever grateful for it and our Cody Lovebucket. The legacy of Shiloh and all the love he gave will live on with you and everyone he doted on. Prayers and lots of love for you and Joy!
I’m sorry for the grief and broken heart you’re both going through. Hugs.
I first began to read this post in a Senate office building prior to a meeting and I had to stop. Though maybe eyes filled with tears would have made my truck safety case. Then I tried to read it at the hotel and couldn’t get through it. I honestly don’t know how you’re doing it. He was such a sweet boy. I will always remember his eye lashes, the longest I’ve ever seen. I’m just so sorry he’s not physically still with you. But I know in my heart he’s there in your heart and beside you all the time. Hugs to you and to Joy as well. I know she misses him terribly too.