Wandering Spirit

I didn’t realize how true that was, until now.  Until Shiloh is Purely Spirit.  It wasn’t ONE Wandering Spirit, it was three.  I got it wrong, and then comforted myself with thought that the three of us are one combined spirit…all one with each other.

Now I know that even more so.  We really ARE one….Shiloh’s spirit is still here with me…he is part of me.  I feel his presence.

Shiloh on the sand dunes

This is part of how I’m coping with his death….by believing that he is still here….because I just don’t know how to be without him.

Anyway, the blog is now mis-named in another way too.  Well.  Sort of.  Because we are no longer wandering.  I’ve decided to settle.  Joy and I will be starting a new chapter in our lives….so….

why not start a new blog too???

(Besides, I’ve used up about 90% of my space on this one)!

Joy on the beach this morning.

i brainstormed new titles for a blog and read them to my friend Laura.  She commented that I left ‘wandering’ out of all of them.  I said, yes, because I’m no longer wandering…it would be misleading.  Her thoughts on that were that no, it wouldn’t be misleading because she has always seen me as a wanderer.  If not spiritually then physically wandering the beache, or Big  Sur, or moving from Michigan to California to New Hampshire, back to California, back to Michigan, then back to California, then traveling four years, and now back to California!  Yes, she said, you ARE a Wandering spirit.  That’s not misleading!

‘Our beach’…so to speak.

Landing in California four times, I think I can safely say the coast of California is home.  So, I came up with the title of a new blog…..

“Wandering Spirits At Home”.

The blog is there, though sometimes Google says it doesn’t exist.  (It needs a lot of work.  I’d like to get the words below the picture, and the small picture out of the middle of the big picture…but it’s got me totally frustrated right now so I’ll try again later.  Also the picture and quote at the very end were added by WordPress….not mine.)

http://wanderingspiritsathome.wordpress.com

Looks like this right now.

Yes, that’s plural on the ‘spirits’ this time.

All of us, Shiloh included.  And maybe someday another spirit will join us….

First blog is called ‘An Introduction All Over Again’, but it’s very brief.

I was hesitant to do this, because I may lose a lot of you.  It means you will have to find me again, and if you want the new blog to come to you automatically you’ll need to sign up again.

And you may no longer care to read the new blog because we are staying in one spot for now and that may not interest you.

I don’t know where it’s going to lead.  There will be things about minimalist living I think, because right now I have very few possessions and I like living simply.  Changing over residency to California. Dogs, gardening,  beach walks, poetry, vegan/vegetarian lifestyle….who knows what else.  Right now the plan is to spend some time at Caballo Loco Ranch in Arizona this winter, up on my hill, boondocking. so there’s that.

I will also continue to post here for awhile to remind those that might come looking, that we’ve moved the blog.

I hope you all will understand and if you think you might have some interest in our new adventures, I hope you’ll come along!

I didn’t think I’d write a poem about him.  But then, there it was inside, insisting to be let out.  Barking at the door, you might say.

So I’ve written it for days…bits and pieces would come to me, along with tears…while on walks…while driving….I’ve been needing to keep a pen and paper near by.  And a box of Puffs.L

ODE TO SHILOH

Memories of you dance through my mind and heart.                                                     Each one feels like a poison arrow or dart.

And yet they are such sweet thoughts I can’t resist,                                                 Watching you again, through the mental mist.

The little things you would always do,                                                                                The smile in your eyes that said “I love you too”.

Being ‘Sheriff Shiloh’, or silly, or calm, or aloof,                                                             Being my protector, with an ‘arf’ or a ‘woof’.

Playing with toys wasn’t your thing,                                                                                      But you were highly entertained, listening to me sing!

And ensconced on the bed, no way would you budge,                                                     Not with a push, or a pull, or a nudge.

Offered a treat, you would just look away.                                                                 Wherever you snuggled in, that’s where you’d stay.

So Joy and I would have to find our spot,                                                                           And sleep that way, comfy or not.

I didn’t really mind, because part of me knew,                                                               Some dreadful day, there wouldn’t be you.

***********

You loved for the brush to stroke your fur,                                                                         And to be told how beautiful you were.

You had such eye lashes as I’ve ever seen.                                                                 Certainly the envy of every princess and queen.

You were always there for a scratch or a pat,                                                                    And how many times on my foot you sat.

i have memories of you rolling in cow pies, and chasing a deer,                                  And running through fences, to catch you a steer,

And there’s the time the coyote lured you….come near…                                                  He was hoping to have you for dinner, I fear.

Rabbits and squirrels and kitties would run,                                                                     But you’d never hurt them, it was all in good fun.

**************

We three traveled together, all over this land,                                                                 Four years you wandered woods, fields, and sands.

You explored untold lakes, and rivers and streams,                                                         And at night you’d relive it in all your wonderful dreams.

As I’d drive you’d stare out the window, miles on end.                                                What were you thinking of, my solemn, sweet friend?

And often, as I turned, to look back at you,                                                                         You were staring at me, because that’s what you’d do.

”Let’s go for a walk” we’re the words you lived for, and then,                                    When we got back your eyes would ask “can we go again?”

You loved CLR, where you could run free,                                                                         And pee on the cactus with impunity.

Folks kept stopping by with a treat,                                                                                        As if you and Joy didn’t have enough to eat!

But the misty beach on the Monterey Bay                                                                          Was the place you loved best….the place Joy and I will stay.

*************

You’ve been my sunshine for so many years,                                                                    You helped me through life, and so many tears and fears.

You were my comforter, when I was sad.                                                                        When I looked in your eyes, nothing seemed bad.

You were noble and stoic, you would never complain.                                                         It was hard for me to tell when you had any pain.

For you to suffer, wasn’t part of the deal.                                                                               So I let you move on, no matter how I would feel.

I held on tight as I let you go.                                                                                                And I’m still holding you tight in my heart, I guess you know.

My innocent boy, so full of peace.                                                                                       Now you’re free of cancer, with loving release.

I miss you each minute, my beautiful boy,                                                                    Though your sweet, sweet spirit is now part of me and Joy.

I have to believe that, because there’s no possible way,                                                        I could get by without you for one single day.

”Mommy love Shiloh” forever and then,                                                                     “Mommy love Shiloh” forever again.

Into eternity, beyond space and time,                                                                                        I will be yours and you will be mine.

First, let me say thank you for all the kindness so many showed in your comments on the last  post.  I wanted to answer each one but when I would try….it was too hard.  Please know I appreciate every word and thought and prayer.

*************

So Joy and I are here at Mary’s house, while she travels.  She is in Sedona, AZ right now, finally able to feel the special energy there, which she has longed to do for years.

My sweet Shiloh boy passed away from cancer (was euthanized) on May 18.  The cloud of grief hanging over Joy and I is huge.  I have never mourned for anyone to this degree, and my heart has never been this broken.

I stated in my last post (SHILOH), that the future is a blur.  Really I couldn’t see a future.  I stated awhile back that we were staying here at Mary’s house this summer because I needed a break from traveling and towing, and because we would be house sitting for Mary, who wants to do some traveling of her own, now that she’s retired.

Both of those reasons are true, but I had another reason too, that I wasn’t as willing to share, and that was Joy’s age and condition.  She is approaching 15 years of age, old for a Golden, and she has the accompanying problems, of being about 100 in human years.  She let me know that constant travel is getting too hard for her.  She wants stability.  I’ve been wondering if she will make it through the summer.

Joy

Shiloh seemed to be doing well though, and even though he was closing in on 12 years and his back was arthritic, he was still going strong…running…playing…happy.

Until he wasn’t.

Until cancer took him from us, in a sudden way.  That meant less suffering for him, which is my ultimate goal for my furry ones…comfort and quality of life.

And that’s when the future became a blur.  At first I couldn’t sort anything out at all.  Dark depression fell over me like a stormy sky.  The physical world matched my feelings.  No sun here for over a week.  Joy, for the first time in her life, has not been joyful.  ‘Kerry and Annabelle’ came to stay with us for a few days, but after they left, I thought I might lose Joy.  For over 11 years, she has never been without her Shiloh.

Joy using Shiloh as a pillow.

Shilohs death was a life-changing event for us.  I am grateful…SO GRATEFUL….for the time he spent with me.  I am missing him every minute.  The grief is still acute.  Everything reminds me of him, and thus his absence.

Everything.

This experience is leaving me a changed person.  Maybe it’s called growth…in that case I’d rather not grow.

One of the things that has changed about me is that I have no desire to full time travel now, without my furry kids/companions/friends, and Shiloh was my protector, always looking after me, ready to support me in every way he could, always keeping me in his line of vision ( well except when he was rolling in fresh cow pies, or chasing a squirrel).  He laughed at me when I was silly ( like every time I tried to put up the ‘damn clam’, he looked on with such glee and made me laugh at myself).

These things were part of his role, a role he created for himself from the wonderful being he was.

Joy also created her role, according to her personality.  Her love for everyone and everything gives her a bouncy, carefree spirit.  She sees the world through rose colored glasses, and it’s hard to be sad around her, at least it was until May 18.

The point is, full timing without these two isn’t something that appeals to me at all.  Not even a little bit.  If I have to go without them, I don’t want to go.

So I’m going to stay.  As of May 31 I put into motion the process of preparing to make a permanent residence here in the area again….back in the same community I lived in before I went on this journey in August of 2014, when Shiloh was about to turn 8, and Joy was a very spry almost 11 years old.

This decision has given me a degree of peace…and something to focus on.

************

The other thing is, that I picked up Shilohs ashes at the vets office yesterday.  They are in a beautiful wooden box with his name on it.  Can’t bring myself to show you a picture .  It’s very nice but the thought of his remains in there is next to unbearable and sent me into a major meltdown last night and almost no sleep.

Yes I know his spirit is free and he is with me because he told me that…

I know, but I still call his name, and I don’t see how I’ll ever heal from this.

“Shiloh, when I was young (er)

I used to call your name.

When no one else would come,

Shiloh you always came.

And we’d play….

And you’d stay.”

COME TODAY

Just over a week ago, I thought Shiloh had a month or two or three….and then it all went so fast.  But then I realized the pain he began having…”its time mommy….I don’t want to leave you… but it’s time to go now. Things don’t work right anymore”

Those eyes.

My friend Laura came over.  Shiloh actually greeted her at the door.  Licked her hand.  It was his job and above all he was faithful.  He wouldn’t let us down.

The vet was planning on coming to the house but they got swamped that morning with 6 emergencies.  He couldn’t get away.  I couldn’t let Shiloh suffer, waiting.

So one last time my sweet boy went up the ramp into JR, and Joy was with us too.

The back seat of the truck…..that was home to him.  The vet came to the parking lot and gave him the sedative.  Within minutes he was sleeping in my arms, pain free.  I was lying down with him, with my arms around him, when the euthanasia drug was given.

I felt him take his last breath.

Then stillness.  No more suffering for my sweet Shiloh..

it felt like my heart stopped too.  I will never be the same.

He taught me how to live.  He taught me how to die.  If I could only attain to his example, I would be a much better person.

dogs do smile

Even his name had so much meaning for me….

Sur (not Sir)…..for Big Sur, my most favorite place in the world.

Shiloh….for ‘Shalom’ , meaning Peace.

Sunshine….because he was my sunshine.

I often sang that little song to him.

The sun stopped shining here that day, quite literally, as well as in my heart.  A week later and I still haven’t seen it for more than a few minutes where I am.  The way I’m feeling, I don’t know if it will ever shine in my heart again.

For the first time ever, Joy has lost her joy.  She is as depressed as I am.  When you think about it, they were within site of each other 95% or more of the time.

‘Kerry and Annabelle’ arrived from Oregon that evening, and were able to stay for a few days.

I will be forever grateful to Laura, Kerry, and her dog Annabelle for helping Joy and i in such a difficult time.  Thank you to the 3 of you, beyond words.

We’ve been going to the misty, lonely beach daily.  We have both needed to be there, where in the past we have shared such fun times together.

Joy looks for him there.

The last time we were there without him was over 11 years ago.

Joy looks for him there.

So do I.

It seems so impossible that he isn’t there with us, or with us on our walks (I bring his collar).  It seems impossible I’m making meals for just one dog, or leaving Joy all alone in the truck as I do errands.  I haven’t left her alone at the house yet.

We look for him here at the house too….and sometimes…I get a glimpse of him, in an ethereal kind of way.  Little gifts from him in the spirit world…letting me know he’s close by….because I haven’t been able to let go.

He even had a ‘conversation’ with me.  He said he is part of me now.  He said he is peace for me.  He said Joy knows he is here, yet we all still miss each other.  He said more…

You can think I’m crazy.  I am….crazy with grief.  Sometimes when we can’t get what we want ( to hug him again, stroke his soft fur….tell him ‘mommy loves Shiloh’), we get what we need.

I don’t know what happens next, or what the future holds.  It all seems like a blur out there.  Joy is more fragile physically, as well as emotionally, since….it happened.

I always have said ‘it’s all about the dogs’, and it is likely I would have never set out in WS if it hadn’t been for them.  So I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

I need to mention that in the last blog, the comments section wasn’t working and I don’t know why.  If it continues not working I’ll come up with an email address where we can connect if you wish.

Shiloh and Sun

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy, when skies are gray.

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Shiloh’s spirit is now running free….he used to run like the wind….and now he’s able to do that again.  I think he’s met his friend and mine, Jo, at the Rainbow Bridge.  She was there waiting for him….still helping me with my pups.

I am beyond words, broken in pieces.  My heart is on the ground, and Joy is not Joyful.  My friend Laura was here with me when I let my dear sweet boy go free.  My friend “Karry” and her dog “Annabelle” are on their way here now from Oregon.

Sur Shiloh Sunshine…August 11, 2006, living a beautiful, gentle, peaceful life until May 18, 2018.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are gray.

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

I will write more another time.  I just needed to let you know.

The storm we will be dealing with concerns Shiloh, who will be going in for some tests tomorrow.  I’m trying to hold it together, but I give myself about a ‘D’ for that right now.  I’ll tell you more in the next post.  For now I’ll show you some pictures covering the good parts of the last week or so.

In Pacific Grove, along the coast for a mile or two, there is a pink carpet of ice plants that bloom this time of year.  Not to be missed if you ever visit the area in May.

There are paths between the flowers and the ocean, with benches so you can sit and admire the beauty.

It just goes on and on, starting just past Lovers Point, heading south.

Close up of these small flowers.

I was here with Mandy and Jason.

We also walked at Asilomar Beach, where they got married….3 years ago today actually.

Another day we went down the coast into the Big Sur area.  We had a lovely lunch at Napenthe.  This is the view from there.

One of my favorite spots in the world.

With two of my favorite people in the world.

The weather was perfect on this particular day, and as you see, Mandy got to sit in the sun and Jason and I got to sit in she shade, just as we all wished.  We celebrated their anniversary, Jason’s birthday, and Mother’s Day.

The dramatic back drop here isn’t “just” the ocean, but it’s the mountains in combination with the ocean.  I know this picture doesn’t even look real but it is.

We also went down by the Big Sur River to relax for a little while.  There are chairs right in the river here, behind the River Inn.

Love birds surrounded by flowers. 💕

And then Joy, Shiloh and I keep going to their favorite beach.

We walk through the sand dunes to get there, and though that used to be just the first leg of this walk, now with Joys difficulty walking, it’s a major part, and we don’t go far on the beach.  No matter…it’s still one of their favorite places to be.

Joy rolling in the original place she learned to love to roll.  Sand and salt water and Golden retriever coat…a combo I learned to live with and love, a long time ago.

Looking out towards the Monterey Peninsula.  The peninsula comes to a point just after the far right of the picture, with Lovers Point.  The pink carpet pictures above were taken just beyond that.

Shiloh contemplates the Pacific Ocean.

Shilohs smile.

Mary is now in Utah with friends traveling in her ‘Prius RV’.  I haven’t been feeling great…actually not very good at all much of the time, with just a good day here and there, otherwise having some serious aches and pains…until about 5 or 6 days ago or so, and since that time I’ve felt generally better.

My almost 15 year old puppy.

Joy, Shiloh and I have been taking one day at a time, house sitting, light gardening, baking bread….

And visiting with my son Jason and his wife Mandy. (More about that in the next post).

Generally we’re just practicing living in one location…seeing how it feels.

And then…..

I read on FB last evening that a very dear friend of mine passed away….a week ago.

This picture of Jo was taken in my yard in May of 2009.

The news really crashed hard on me.  Lots of memories came flooding back.  Jo and I were next door neighbors from 1997 until 2004, and I could have never asked for a better neighbor and friend.  We’ve remained friends ever since.

I heard the news because Jo’s grand daughter wrote about it on Jo’s FB page.  On Google I found out that her Celebration Of Life had already passed and that crushed me even further.  I messaged her grand daughter ( whom I’ve never met) and poured my heart out.. I was relieved to learn then that there will be a Cremation Ceremony later this month, so I’ll be able to spend some time with others who loved her.

I was shocked to learn that she had a moderately long term illness because I spent a whole afternoon with her in December when we visited, shared a meal here and exchanged Christmas presents.  She must have known at that time what was going on but she kept it to herself.  She drove away that day with the knowledge that we would probably never see each other again in this world, and I was none the wiser.  It must have been hard for her to leave that day, not so much on my account, but because of the dogs.  She had a special bond with them, especially Joy.  She was Joy’s second mom.

Jo with Shiloh sitting beside her and Joy giving her paw.

Before Joy I had another Golden named Bonnie.  Back in the day Jo showed me the beach/dunes walk that the dogs and I go on, even now.  Back then we would take Bonnie and her dogs on that walk at the ocean, in the early morning fog,  time and time again.  We would walk and talk and walk and talk and share our secrets, as the dogs romped and ran like wild things in the sand and surf.

Even today, hardly anyone goes there so letting the dogs run isn’t a big deal.  And amazingly even after all these years there are no dog-on-leash-only, signs. We took that walk this morning, in memory of Jo. Actually a very short version of the walk.

Jo took care of Bonnie for me while I wandered around the country (and Europe too), following The Rolling Stones on tour.  I saw the Stones close to 40 times and close to 30 of those times it was because Jo was willing and able to babysit for me.  Fur baby, that is.

When it was time for Bonnie to cross the Rainbow Bridge, and I was distraught, it was Jo who orchestrated getting the vet to my house, so Bonnie could leave for the Rainbow Bridge from her own living room.

It wasn’t long after that, I wanted a puppy, but I worked the afternoon shift at the hospital and I felt it was impossible to care for a puppy in that situation.  Jo stepped up and promised she would help me out with puppy things on a daily basis as long as help was needed.

She was as good as her word.  At first she came over three times an evening while I was at work, and not just to let the puppy out and go back home.  I invited her to stay as long as she liked, watch tv, eat pop corn, etc.  That’s when Joy learned to love pop corn!  As Joy got older, Jo came over 2 times an evening, and later cut it down to once.

Part of the reason Joy is named Joy is because it has ‘Jo’ in it.

Today…Jo’s spirit walked with us.

Eventually Jo moved and so did I, but we always stayed in touch.  When I started traveling, each time I came back to the home place we would get together…..except this time.

This time I was trying to wait until I started feeling better to start contacting friends about getting together.  Since the last week or so I’ve started feeling better, I was thinking about contacting Jo, I just hadn’t done it yet.

You can see the fishing boats were out on the bay this morning.

If I had, perhaps I could have seen her and said good-bye…but it very well may be that is not what she would have wanted.  She may have wanted to leave our memories together as they were in December.  I’ll never know.  But everything happens for a reason….

I have to tell myself that.

Jo was probably the strongest woman I know, and she generally loved dogs more than people.  She never ever took the easy path through life, but she was true to herself, and stood firmly for what she believed.

I was so privileged to know her and to be able to call her friend.

My comfort is the thought of her many dogs she loved over the years who were there to meet her at the Rainbow Bridge in a warm and wonderful reunion.  I know my Bonnie was there too.

Bye Jo.

After months in the desert, one feels….dusty.  So…..

Shiloh gets a bath….

And the next day Joy gets a bath.

Too hard on my achy joints to bathe them both on the same day.

Much as they love jumping into any body of wild water, baths are barely tolerated, but getting dried off is loads of fun.

Then a few days later, Wandering Spirit gets a bath too.

After the washing a couple days later she gets a wax job…except for the top.  Right now my knees aren’t letting me go up and down the ladder multiple times like waxing the top would require.

Joy next to WS as if we were still camping.  This was taken while everyone was still dusty.

And then I bought this great big tarp and Mary helped me cover WS to protect her from sun damage.

😕. Not all that attractive  is it?  By releasing a bungee cord or two I have easy access to the inside so I can clean and whatnot.

After and between the bathing and waxing, I’m working on a little garden in Mary’s front yard, and some potted herbs in her back yard.  This is a work in progress, something I’ll be playing with throughout the summer.

California is in bloom right now…..

A field of wild mustard.

Gardens everywhere.

This is called Breath Of Heaven.  A favorite of mine. I planted one in Mary’s garden.

Heading towards ocean and sky…a view from Imjin Road in Marina.

A view of a small bit of Monterey Bay driving on Hwy 101 through Sand City.

Yes, I do love it here!

After our visit with Kerry and Annabelle, we continue our journey ‘home’.

Back in California at last, and we take a last desert walk…

Well, maybe that’s a desert run!

And in Bakersfield, between the raindrops, we gather some oranges at Orange Grove RV Park.

Lots of blossoms on the trees now, but still some juicy ripe oranges to be had.

We continue on through the vibrantly green hills of California….

And through the rain….

As we near Gonzales, CA we are suddenly in the worst deluge of rain pounding down upon us that I’ve ever driven, much less towed in.  It’s as though the windshield wipers are nonexistent.  The only reason I can see in front of me is because a big yellow truck is in the lane right ahead of us.  I can’t pull over because I can’t see what might be there on the side of the road, and I obviously can’t stop, so I continue on almost blinded by water.

Though it seems to go forever, it probably lasts less than 5 minutes.

We continue on through more rain and finally arrive at Mary’s house.  YAY!  It’s good to see her again and Joy and Shiloh are excited to be here!

Within our first few days of being here friends Laura and Joel come for a visit, and a neighbor backs Wandering Spirit into Mary’s back yard for me.

Wow, looks like WS has her own rainbow in the lower left there.

A couple of weeks ago friends Shirlee and Doug, two of the first people we met on the road and continued a friendship with, text to say they will be in my old stomping grounds on their way home to Canada.  As it turns out we all arrive here in the area on the same day.  We get a couple of visits in before they have to leave.

Doug and Shirlee on our ocean drive in Pacific Grove.

Ocean and rocks.

Doug gets a kiss from Joy!

We walk the trail near Mary’s house.  Mary is taking the picture.

We make vegan pizza!

And find some California poppies…(closed up because it’s near sunset.)  We must really be home!

Now we will try to settle a bit.  This will be the first time we live in a sticks and bricks for an extended period (a number of months) in close to 4 years.

We’ll see how this goes….

A Few Days In Prescott

On the way back to the ‘home place’ we stop for a visit with Kerry and her dog Annabelle. (Not their real names).  They are good friends now, whom we first met in the dog park in Quartzsite 2 1/2 years ago.  They wintered in Prescott but will be leaving the area soon.

We are near Watson Lake Park and the area around the lake is called Granite Dells.

Yikes, look out below!

Kerry calls this the bear claws!

Not only are Kerry and I good friends, but so are the dogs, and we spend our days giving them a good time together.

Annabelle goes to class and Joy and Shiloh cheer….er…woof her on!

We take lots of walks.  Here Shiloh and I take in the view.

Joy and Shiloh haven’t enjoyed grass in a long time, being at the ranch.  There is lots of green grass in Watson Lake Park and there was lots of rolling going on.  Here’s a Joy Roll.

Once Kerry was on the ground she was fair game….

Shiloh the lap dog.

I’m so glad that Kerry and I met and became friends, and our fur kids too.  She and Annabelle are two precious souls.

As I write this we have made our way to the great state of California. Yay!  We are in Needles (eww) tonight, then the plan is Barstow, Bakersfield, and HOME.